REFLECTION
By the time I reached college, I hadn’t really thought of doing much with photography, except that I knew how to use a camera and thought, “Hey, I’ll take a photography class.” It was one of the many classes they offered in the Art department at my school, and as I wasn’t sure what I would choose to concentrate in, I dove in with both feet and really enjoyed the process.
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I don't accept the full blame for my illness, as I believe that an illness like this isn't something you can ever truly claim responsibility for. It's dangerously satisfying to put the blame in a single place, but entirely wrong to do so. However, if I ignore the habits and things I did that contributed to the problem, then I haven't learned my lesson and continue to do damage to myself.
Read MoreAnd that's hard. It's hard, because I want to feel so badly that I truly am making my work a priority without letting things fall off the domestic sphere or pushing my children away. And then it's gut-wrenching, because I truly want to do right by my children and family without letting a client down or missing a deadline.
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With a baby in arms, you often have to do things with just one hand.
It's tricky. It's a new skill to learn. It's a new rhythm of thinking and being.
And one hand doesn't mean you're putting in less work.
One hand, whole heart.
One hand, whole mind.
One hand, whole self.
My youngest has grown beyond the one-handed mothering phase, but the echo of that season carries far into the now. I'm always reminding myself that my motherhood is an integrated part of my being. It neither diminishes nor enhances. It just is, like the flavor of a soup, or the texture of a fabric.
One hand, whole self.
I pull the minivan up to the garage door, inching closer and closer until the headlights reflect back, burning into my retinas. Turning the key, all goes black. My neck and shoulders tense as I prepare to step into the cold. I fully intend to rush into my warm house as quickly as my feet can carry me.
Yet when I clamor down from my driver's perch and slam the door, I pause to look up, letting the fingers of the chill creep up my wrists and around my ankles.
About this time (when I usually come home to rest) I can see hundreds of stars on a clear evening. And this time of year, Orion shines down just above the trees in perfect view, as though he ran to greet me by the side of my car.
My heartbeat slows. A wisp of fog drifts slowly out of my mouth. I shiver.
As I inhale, my shoulders fall. More fog. More starlight. More wonder.
I hear my own footsteps, and warmth and incandescent light wash over me. I'm home.
